i remind myself of myself too much.
especially now.

you would think id have learned by now
learnt? learned?
known.
yes, you would think id known by now

as bitter as i have become
as hateful as ive grown
all the tears i have scattered across
pillowcases and notebook paper
all the late night showers to warm my heart
the empty bed and the t-shirt that still smells like him

and all the bitter, bitter poetry i have wrote
written?

you would think id just stop.
stop.

sit back
and let the world happen around me for once
let it spin and turn
just watch. see what happens.

instead of continuosly throwing myself at it
and clutching onto anything
clawing and grabbing at it just to
hold on
and stay upright

im the same girl ive always been.
i know what i want out of life.
but what does life want out of me?

a small chubby girl with braided pigtails
6 years old on a summer day playground

it was me.
the chubby little girl
in the little pink shorts
sitting in the middle of the
merry go round
spinning out of control

dirty cheeks and skinned knees
beat up and scraped down each shin
but

not holding on to anything
with her arms in the air
and grinning at the world
spinning around me

because i had made it

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